A video made to remember 2 of my favourite cats who died this year
Monday 25 May 2009
Friday 8 May 2009
Cleo Cat 2007-2009
Monday 20 April 2009
Lets Twister Again
Dear Mum
Only a short note today and I write this from the corner of the prison library.I found Bubba and Reamer writing new rules on the Twister cards, which are somewhat different from what I remember when I played it way back.
I notice they have cut one or two additional holes into my prison garments. Bubba also added arrows that point directly to these holes and some of the instructions seem to suggest that I will be playing an active part of the Twister board once Winston has cut the cake.I have been searching in the prison archives for changes to the rules of the game, but found nothing. One of the screws has said that I ‘will be unable to sit down for a month after tonight’.
I assume he has seen how good these two are at playing Twister, which makes me want to rise to the challenge even more. I might go to the gymnasium before lights out to limber up a bit.
Wish me luck
Your playful son, Jack
Only a short note today and I write this from the corner of the prison library.I found Bubba and Reamer writing new rules on the Twister cards, which are somewhat different from what I remember when I played it way back.
I notice they have cut one or two additional holes into my prison garments. Bubba also added arrows that point directly to these holes and some of the instructions seem to suggest that I will be playing an active part of the Twister board once Winston has cut the cake.I have been searching in the prison archives for changes to the rules of the game, but found nothing. One of the screws has said that I ‘will be unable to sit down for a month after tonight’.
I assume he has seen how good these two are at playing Twister, which makes me want to rise to the challenge even more. I might go to the gymnasium before lights out to limber up a bit.
Wish me luck
Your playful son, Jack
Sunday 19 April 2009
Dear Mum,
Today is Winston's birthday and he wants to have 'a party nobody will forget'.Trouble is , there is little room, since the wardens moved two special visitors into our cell first thing this morning.Bubba and Reamer are VIP's, the wardens give them the nod whenever they are on the stairs and from what I saw at breakfast, many others from our block kept a polite distance from them, moving straight to another table.The governor did post something last week about a couple of category 'A's' moving in which must be the next best thing to mixing with royalty. Winston says that the evening will be 'sweet', and to ensure festivities go with a bang, he has got a delivery coming in, with 'party hats, lard'n'coke !' (I think he means lardy cake, his Jamaican accent does make things difficult sometimes).Reamer had a package delivered this lunchtime which is now in the corner, under the basin, I have had a peek, and it's a game of Twister.Bubba hasn't got anything special in, Winston says not to worry as he will be putting on an unforgettable show, To be honest his tattoos are really something to behold already . He also has a number of metal parts on his body, he set off the detector during a snap search mid-morning. His most treasured piercing apparently is in memory of Queen Victoria's lover of some fifty years, which makes me think about my dearly departed. I have been assured more than a glimpse of 'Prince Albert' tomorrow before lights out if I play my cards right. One problem is going to be the extra two beds, which limit the floor space somewhat, and could spoil the game, but the warden on our block tells me that 'Reamer and Bubba are the type that rarely sleep when others are sparko on their bunks'.I am sure this is going to work out well. Since there is little point in having extra beds when nocturnal inmates can easily use them in the time when others are in the yard, eating or in the showers, I have already dismantled them and will put my findings to the governor if tonight works out
Your optimistic son, Jack
Today is Winston's birthday and he wants to have 'a party nobody will forget'.Trouble is , there is little room, since the wardens moved two special visitors into our cell first thing this morning.Bubba and Reamer are VIP's, the wardens give them the nod whenever they are on the stairs and from what I saw at breakfast, many others from our block kept a polite distance from them, moving straight to another table.The governor did post something last week about a couple of category 'A's' moving in which must be the next best thing to mixing with royalty. Winston says that the evening will be 'sweet', and to ensure festivities go with a bang, he has got a delivery coming in, with 'party hats, lard'n'coke !' (I think he means lardy cake, his Jamaican accent does make things difficult sometimes).Reamer had a package delivered this lunchtime which is now in the corner, under the basin, I have had a peek, and it's a game of Twister.Bubba hasn't got anything special in, Winston says not to worry as he will be putting on an unforgettable show, To be honest his tattoos are really something to behold already . He also has a number of metal parts on his body, he set off the detector during a snap search mid-morning. His most treasured piercing apparently is in memory of Queen Victoria's lover of some fifty years, which makes me think about my dearly departed. I have been assured more than a glimpse of 'Prince Albert' tomorrow before lights out if I play my cards right. One problem is going to be the extra two beds, which limit the floor space somewhat, and could spoil the game, but the warden on our block tells me that 'Reamer and Bubba are the type that rarely sleep when others are sparko on their bunks'.I am sure this is going to work out well. Since there is little point in having extra beds when nocturnal inmates can easily use them in the time when others are in the yard, eating or in the showers, I have already dismantled them and will put my findings to the governor if tonight works out
Your optimistic son, Jack
Coming throught the rear entrance
The Jack Tweed Prison Diaries
Oh Mum,Last night turned into a horror story, only the actions of my brave colleagues mean I am able to convey the events that unfolded.All was going swimmingly, once blindfold and covered in margarine, Winston told me to lie face down on a makeshift trolley that D-block had created to travel down the freshly dug hole. It felt remarkably like the prison issue table, however the creaking and motion once underway confirmed that it had been crafted to move on a track skilfully installed in the tunnel.Big Nige gave me the pointers on operation, lying on top of me and guiding my hands to a couple of knarled shafts that I should tug on repeatedly to get the kart going. Oh mum, the heat from the tunnel was unbearable, everybody was sweating profusely once underway and I could hear Winston grunting heavily as he brought up the rear.About three minutes into this part of the tunnel must have collapsed as I felt the full weight of Nige on top of me and the trolley stopped creaking. Luckily the gag stopped me from screaming otherwise I swear I would have given the escape plan away.I panicked and tugged even harder on the two handles, but to no avail, Nige had passed out and despite my struggling, I was pinned to the tabletop. About a minute later, one of the D-Block crew went into action as I felt him crawl up and drag Nige off me. He must be an American as I clearly recall him shouting 'rodeo novice', and 'reverse cowboy' in his efforts to free me from my predicament. Once again I started pulling with renewed vigour on the handles which were now very slippery from copious amounts of sweat.Winston's hands grabbed my ankles and lifted me quite forcefully from the makeshift trolley as something quite long and blunt was used to prod me. After a lot of pulling later another mate had a stroke of genius and emptied what felt like a pot of warm yoghurt onto my back. Indeed it felt like it went everywhere just before Winston gave one or two last pulls on my legs and I passed out from the pain.When I came to the cell was really much the same as when I started out earlier on in the evening, Winston must have worked through the night to clean up all evidence of the hole. Unless anyone askes me about the failed escapade I think I will keep schtum on the gory details. I will definitely go for a shower first thing though.Your crusty son, Jack
Oh Mum,Last night turned into a horror story, only the actions of my brave colleagues mean I am able to convey the events that unfolded.All was going swimmingly, once blindfold and covered in margarine, Winston told me to lie face down on a makeshift trolley that D-block had created to travel down the freshly dug hole. It felt remarkably like the prison issue table, however the creaking and motion once underway confirmed that it had been crafted to move on a track skilfully installed in the tunnel.Big Nige gave me the pointers on operation, lying on top of me and guiding my hands to a couple of knarled shafts that I should tug on repeatedly to get the kart going. Oh mum, the heat from the tunnel was unbearable, everybody was sweating profusely once underway and I could hear Winston grunting heavily as he brought up the rear.About three minutes into this part of the tunnel must have collapsed as I felt the full weight of Nige on top of me and the trolley stopped creaking. Luckily the gag stopped me from screaming otherwise I swear I would have given the escape plan away.I panicked and tugged even harder on the two handles, but to no avail, Nige had passed out and despite my struggling, I was pinned to the tabletop. About a minute later, one of the D-Block crew went into action as I felt him crawl up and drag Nige off me. He must be an American as I clearly recall him shouting 'rodeo novice', and 'reverse cowboy' in his efforts to free me from my predicament. Once again I started pulling with renewed vigour on the handles which were now very slippery from copious amounts of sweat.Winston's hands grabbed my ankles and lifted me quite forcefully from the makeshift trolley as something quite long and blunt was used to prod me. After a lot of pulling later another mate had a stroke of genius and emptied what felt like a pot of warm yoghurt onto my back. Indeed it felt like it went everywhere just before Winston gave one or two last pulls on my legs and I passed out from the pain.When I came to the cell was really much the same as when I started out earlier on in the evening, Winston must have worked through the night to clean up all evidence of the hole. Unless anyone askes me about the failed escapade I think I will keep schtum on the gory details. I will definitely go for a shower first thing though.Your crusty son, Jack
The Not So Great Escape
Dear Mum,Slight
change of plan.I thought I was going to be in here for some six weeks or so before being offered parole, but my best mate Winston has suggested coming out later tonight if I play my cards right.I asked him what he had in place, his other half smuggling in a cake with file,(well, it would explain the bulge in his trousers), but he said his plan was to exploit a hole, somewhere in this very cell.He wept for joy when I told him I was willing to forego any good prison conduct and join him. His chums from D-block are on there way over as I type this, they are all desperate for early release according to Winston.Mum, I must be blessed with good fortune, as the burly men who have now appeared in the doorway are the ones that spend most of recreation time in the showers, presumably to clean off the soil after their excavations.
It must be a tight passage though, as they are now shedding their prison overalls. One has even had the foresight to pinch a catering sized tub of margarine from stores.
Nice boys, always thinking of my health.
Will contact you as soon as I have got free from the prison grounds.
Your slippery son Jack.
change of plan.I thought I was going to be in here for some six weeks or so before being offered parole, but my best mate Winston has suggested coming out later tonight if I play my cards right.I asked him what he had in place, his other half smuggling in a cake with file,(well, it would explain the bulge in his trousers), but he said his plan was to exploit a hole, somewhere in this very cell.He wept for joy when I told him I was willing to forego any good prison conduct and join him. His chums from D-block are on there way over as I type this, they are all desperate for early release according to Winston.Mum, I must be blessed with good fortune, as the burly men who have now appeared in the doorway are the ones that spend most of recreation time in the showers, presumably to clean off the soil after their excavations.
It must be a tight passage though, as they are now shedding their prison overalls. One has even had the foresight to pinch a catering sized tub of margarine from stores.
Nice boys, always thinking of my health.
Will contact you as soon as I have got free from the prison grounds.
Your slippery son Jack.
Saturday 18 April 2009
Whats this rash
Dear Mum
I have now developed a nasty rash, mus be due to the special starch they are putting on the sheets as its stinging my already red raw arse, Big Nige has said that he has a pressing engagement with me coming up and all the lads have been invited to watch, Max is trying to get Living TV down to film a programme about what goes on here, they said they want to film what goes on in the shower block Big Nige says she wil bring the soap for me to drop i dont know what that means
Your sore arsed son Jack
I have now developed a nasty rash, mus be due to the special starch they are putting on the sheets as its stinging my already red raw arse, Big Nige has said that he has a pressing engagement with me coming up and all the lads have been invited to watch, Max is trying to get Living TV down to film a programme about what goes on here, they said they want to film what goes on in the shower block Big Nige says she wil bring the soap for me to drop i dont know what that means
Your sore arsed son Jack
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