Coming throught the rear entrance

The Jack Tweed Prison Diaries

Oh Mum,Last night turned into a horror story, only the actions of my brave colleagues mean I am able to convey the events that unfolded.All was going swimmingly, once blindfold and covered in margarine, Winston told me to lie face down on a makeshift trolley that D-block had created to travel down the freshly dug hole. It felt remarkably like the prison issue table, however the creaking and motion once underway confirmed that it had been crafted to move on a track skilfully installed in the tunnel.Big Nige gave me the pointers on operation, lying on top of me and guiding my hands to a couple of knarled shafts that I should tug on repeatedly to get the kart going. Oh mum, the heat from the tunnel was unbearable, everybody was sweating profusely once underway and I could hear Winston grunting heavily as he brought up the rear.About three minutes into this part of the tunnel must have collapsed as I felt the full weight of Nige on top of me and the trolley stopped creaking. Luckily the gag stopped me from screaming otherwise I swear I would have given the escape plan away.I panicked and tugged even harder on the two handles, but to no avail, Nige had passed out and despite my struggling, I was pinned to the tabletop. About a minute later, one of the D-Block crew went into action as I felt him crawl up and drag Nige off me. He must be an American as I clearly recall him shouting 'rodeo novice', and 'reverse cowboy' in his efforts to free me from my predicament. Once again I started pulling with renewed vigour on the handles which were now very slippery from copious amounts of sweat.Winston's hands grabbed my ankles and lifted me quite forcefully from the makeshift trolley as something quite long and blunt was used to prod me. After a lot of pulling later another mate had a stroke of genius and emptied what felt like a pot of warm yoghurt onto my back. Indeed it felt like it went everywhere just before Winston gave one or two last pulls on my legs and I passed out from the pain.When I came to the cell was really much the same as when I started out earlier on in the evening, Winston must have worked through the night to clean up all evidence of the hole. Unless anyone askes me about the failed escapade I think I will keep schtum on the gory details. I will definitely go for a shower first thing though.Your crusty son, Jack